.Dont start with Me.
.you wont win.
31.3.05 we miss you, but you'll live forever in our hearts. Love endures forever.
i realised tv shows are actually unrealistic. i was watching this channel 8 show - a life of hope. the 9pm show. ooh~ i watch it because the ah beng liang yi whose real name is elvin ng is so darn cute. haha. good looking, nice bod, just perfect facial features. especially when he smiles.... whoa.. *faints*. hahaa.
so anyways, as the title suggests, the show is about HOPE. chen han wei playes this character who falls into a coma after a freak accident and only had 1 % chance of waking up. but he still woke up in the end. thats bullshit. the scriptwriter must be dreaming when he wrote the script. helloo?? 99% chance is that he wont wake up!! but he still woke up given only 1% of chance!!!! that's bullshit in real life. i feel angry. dont ask me why i feel angry. i know theres nothing to be angry about. but i just feel that they're giving people false hope. its so fake. so unreal.
whatever la. must be wondering why i'm still watching it. like i said, i watch the show because of that cute ah beng. so called ah beng la, he's an ah beng in the show, but in real life he's a graduate okay. studying in NTU i think, that's what weiping told me la. he's really good looking. haha.
its gonna be a busy week next week.
.ruffles off.
life has indeed changed. things and circumstance has indeed changed. nothing is the same anymore. as much as life goes on, its been only 2 weeks. it wrenches my heart to watch the changes and see the pain that's still lingering around.
i wonder when will everything come to a pass? how i wish that time will pass quickly. we all wished that nothing actually happened.
i told myself i will never mention blen again. but.. i cant help it. sighx, i just wanna say...
blen... you're missed deeply by alot of people. especially certain people. blen, you know i know, some people know right??
sighx, sorry, it sounds pretty crappy huh. actually not many people can understand this kinda moodiness. its not sadness. its just an emptiness.
anyways, enough of all that stuff. its eric's birthday today. happy birthday dude. i think i wished him at least 5 times already. he was trying to matchmake me and his friends today. lolx. it made me think about my love life actually. i feel kinda confused.
sighs, in life... theres a lot of things we wish for. wishing for things to go our way. wishing for this, wishing for that. and when we dont get them. we feel upset and we'll start questioning why and then get angry because we can't seem to find an answer.
well i guess there are no exact answers to anything. the answers are what we believe in and what we understand. i've understood alot more things than i did a year back. i feel old. especially when i'm turning 18 in a week's time. i suddenly dont feel like growing up. lolx. how i wish i can remain young and carefree, pure and innocent. even if its naive. sometimes being naive isnt a bad thing. i guess there is really no right or wrong, but more like the rights and wrongs depend on what we believe in and what we understand. agree?? lolx. there is a lot 'if onlys'. i think i'll save all my 'if onlys' and ask God when i get to see him in heaven next time.
.ruffles off.
29.3.05
haha, actually i didnt felt like blogging, but after reading qian's blog and her tag, i had something to say. hehex.
sorry qian!!! DUI BU QI!!! go reasons la.. sorry la... promise i wont ps u the next time ok!!! =)
so i actually agreed to join qian to help out for cross country in fmss this year as a rear runner? as in... making sure that no one is behind us. hahaa. with me around, i dont think anyone will be left behind us la huh, unless they hide in the bushes or something. i would most like be strolling through the park if i do go?? but we'll be helping in the c division boys team, which is 4.2 km!!!!!!! if we were to stroll, i think by the time the prize giving ends we'll still be strolling. and another thing is that i'll have to wake up so early. i probably have to wake up at around 5 plus. i even have problems waking up at 6am so 5 is near impossible. i must be mad yesterday coz i didnt realise what i was getting into la...
heh heh. i think qian's gonna murder me after reading this. you know running isnt my kinda thing... i'll definately meet you to swim if you still can swim after the run... ok???? even if we dont go swim i'll still meet you ok???? hehe...
sighx. i.will.learn.to.stop.changing.my.mind.
sorry!!! i try to make sure it wont happen again ok!!!!!!!!!! sorrry dearieee~
.ruffles off.
28.3.05
i feel really happy~ hahaa.. yeah i do, lolx.
was trying to master the different version of pachelbel marcus sent. i play until quite pek chek tho. so many chords, and some parts are super complicated. so i only managed to half master 3 pages. it has a total of 6 pages and according to him its 5 mins long. haha. so long. lolx.. sometimes i wished i had longer fingers so i wont need to stretch like mad.
anyways, was supposed to go out with qian to woodlands in the evening and she was supposed to call me when she's reaching bukit batok. but my phone was in silent mode and i didnt hear my phone vibrate. so when i checked my phone at 6:50 something i received 6 missed calls from her.. oopsie. sorrrrrrrryyyyy. then i called her back and whoaa... i guess she really wanna murder me. lolx. we almost didnt meet. waah i felt so guilty ok..... so i called her back and asked her if she wanna come my house first. phew, luckily she said ok, then she met her sister first and they both came over around 7 plus. her sis tapao dinner up and i ate the porridge my mom cooked and we went off to cck lot 1 instead. we walked around.. qian was looking for her shoes and i bought a hairband!!!! lolx. had a mini hairband parade session in th shop hahaha.. coz i couldnt find one that i liked because all looked so nice. haha.. in the end i settled with an opaque purple hairband. its been a long time since i last wore a hairband.. think it was pri 1?? ahhaa. tt was like ages ago. lolx. then we went coffeebean to sit and talk. and we took pics. hahaa.
heres one of the pic we took....
*smiles* i really miss them so much. and yeah.. i'm spending my evening with them on my actual birthday. =)
take care everyone~ good luck for ur exams if you're having them in these few weeks ;)
.ruffles off.
27.3.05
my alarm rang at 9:30am and i wished i had slept earlier the night before. hahaaaa.. couldnt fall asleep till 5am and i think i look like a panda. lolx. anyways, went to bathe, had a light breakfast coz my dad bought pao. 24/7 buying pao for me... aahh. even during those days when i have school he'll buy pao for breakfast. but thankgoodness the pao is not bad la. lolx. anyways, went to take the mrt to admiralty and met chris n kl there. marcus was busy with projects so he couldnt join us.
then we took a bus to the custom and walked to JB. it was HOT. lolx. then me and kl walked sheltered using my umbrella. haha. then saw a mini whirlpool.. lolx. dont know if its man made, but it was fascinating. hahaaa. we were like 3 suakus staring at the waters, machiam like we've never seen the sea before like that. hahaaa. then along the way, a couple of truck drivers honked at us and scared us la. they're mad. and we waited quite a while before getting through the JB custom, which me and kl chatted non-stop all the way while waiting. lolx. chris had to queue by himself because his was a foreign passport. lolx. and then they stupid officer told me to change my photo if not i stay in singapore!! $%@#$%@#$% so terrible lor! so angry. how rude!!!!!! qi si wo le. but.. on the brightside, they didnt retain me. hahaa. heard marcus was retained once before for the same reason. lolx. but thats very lame. they have nth better to do.
then went to city square or centuary sqaure? haahaa.. cannot remember. walk walk, see see, had lunch there and then we went to holiday inn or holiday plaza?? i cant remember the name either..lolx, then went to cut our hair. sighx, all i wanted was a trim, but they trimmed alot, esp the back of my hair. i cant tie my hair properly without half of it dropping out. and i dunno how to tie my hair for trainings. sighx. hahaa. kl chopped her tresses off and it looks so nice when its left naturally combed. but those stylist styled her hair like some poodle hahaaa. i almost wanted to LOL there. hahaaaa. then poor chris, had to wait for 2 hrs. lolx, we didnt think it was gonna take this long. anyways, after that we went to shop shop, walk walk, see see again. bought a few stuffs. then kl and chris so naughty, they bought ciggarates!!! but they're not smokers, just for fun. dots. lolx.
then went sentosa market to have dinner~ lolx. the food is nice and cheap. worthwhile i guess. alot of similar stalls to choose from. lolx. then went to the petshop!!!! hahaaa. bought some doggie food for pappy. there was this HUGE golden retrevier in the shop. hahahahaha. but i guess it was old already? wasnt very active. lolx. but cool la, so big and still so adorable. goodness! hahaha. then there were all sort of puppies for sale in the shop, silky terriers, beagles, shit tzu (dunno how to spell lolx) and a couple more la. they were extremely CUTEEEEEEEEE and simply ADORABLEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just so huggable and playable. esp the silky terriers. there were 3 of them and they were FIGHTING! hahahaa.. superrrrrrrrrrr cute!! they will make anyone go awwwwwwwwwww. such cute sweethearts. really cute. hhaaa. they really sweet looking too. one look from them and you just........ melt. lolx. i love them so much. animals are such simple and beautiful creatures. i dunno how some pple have to heart torture them man. and DONT say i torture pappy. she living in bliss lor. its just that i occasionally have to scream at her and wack her to discipline her. but she's pretty diciplined now. hahahaa, maybe she's growing old, but pple still say she's damn noisy. hahaa. but i like it. lolx. shows that she's still very active. lolx. then went back and one cab driver almost hurt chris. wah, sometimes their attitude is really sucky.
anyways, i'm so tired. first time in a thousand days i'm sleeping before 2pm. lolx. tata~ nites.
let bygones be bygones, because life is too short to fuss over trival stuffs
.ruffles off.
26.3.05
i seriously think i have insomia. i can't fall asleep till 3 plus 4am no matter how hard i try. i hope this wont happen after the new term starts man, if not i sure late for classes and then have to worry about attendence. i'm supposed to wake up early later coz i'll be going JB. oops. so what in the world am i doing here? coz I CAN'T SLEEP for goodness sake. sssighhhhx.
anyways, i was in my room searching for something and then i found the old diaries that we used to keep back in FMSS. haha. year 2002 (sec 3) and 2003 (sec 4). i have no idea where is 2001 and 2002. lolx. i must have threw it away. ahhh.. regret. lolx. i remember back in seconday 1 we had this yellow parent-teacher-link booklet. LOL. and a whole lot of stupid things the school came up to discipline us. haha. i remember tracy getting booked by ms chow or something because she rocked her chair. hahaaaa. and there was this file for teachers to book us too. lolx. come to think of it, its really really ultra lame. and during sec 4 there were these extra colour cards that we kept in our diaries. red, green and yellow. hahaa. i still have them in my diary. lolx. we like had not much use for the cards xcept during mrs choe's class. haha.
i didnt just find my diary, i found back days that were gone with time. the diaries contained details of the stuffs that we did, the things that happened. the words that were written down inside. and it didnt contain just my handwriting, it contained other people's handwirting. people who er....dropped by my diary. lolx. i literally felt like i was reading a movie..yeah.. reading. reading a movie of life back in FMSS. waaah, those ups and downs, assignments, lame stuffs, stupid cards, doodles...etc. makes me wanna cry man. i sure miss those days.
how i wish i can turn back time.
turn back to the day back in fairfield. when nothing has changed yet. when it was still all about fairfield... fairsians. when blen is still here, when qtmk still meet everyday, when we have to study for chinese ting xie, when we have GB every sat, when we copy passages of social studies and geography model answers from mrs choe, when we have ms luah as lit teacher calling peter in such a embrassingly funny manner, when mrs koh has her pms during lit class, when ms goh likes to cross her hands and stare at us so we'll keep quiet during sci back in sec 1 and 2, when we go for those stupid talks the school always makes us attend, when we have assembly every morning, when we have chapel every once a week, when we used to frequent irc and chat and make new friends, when sun lao shi always print those hanyupinyin worksheet for us to do, when i played tic tat toe with yenping during amaths classes, when qtmk have disputes, when we had our fiesta @ fairfield, when 4e had our own stall selling kuehs that syl's mom made, selling sarsi drinks that mark made that we sold for 3 for $1 at the end of the day, when we always had something to say about ms song and her mole during P.E, when we had prayer meetings or squad time during GB, those cross countries that we held at McRitchie and Sentosa, when fmss had this concert in the esplande, when my fire turned green during one of the lab sessions, when mr lim likes to make us draw the ray of light using glass blocks, needles, a board and ruler, and when mr lim also likes to use his mike and his big amplifier that used to blast me, tracy and syl's ear............
whoaaaaaaa. alot more but its getting boring and i could probably go on a very very very long list.
and i very much want to see kim tracy and qian again. because i miss you 3 alot. These 8 year friendships seems to be fading away with time and the changes thats happening. oh man, frankly speaking, i hate changes. but i know its inevitable, thats why i keep reminising about the past because i move with time because i have to.
.ruffles off.
24.3.05
wow weet~ actually staying home isnt that bad. hahaa. but it gets boring tho.
but its good that i've got so much time for myself that........... i realised that........... i'm so blessed. really. =)
so i went to westmall library yesterday with david because it was raining. haha. good thing because i'm aching. from shoulders to back to thighs and to ankle. its been a long long long long long long long time since i had muscle ache. haha. ok anyways, went lib around 7 plus coz i wanted to borrow his lib card because mine..... hahaaaa........ long story. but he couldnt find his card. lolx. well we went anyway, and i took like 40 mins to find a book i like. hahaaaaa. realised the library has all sort of books man. hahaaaaa. funny. so when finally i settled down with 2 books, the library is near to closing already. hahaha.. and a whole lot of funny things happened la. lolx. david's the bestttttttttt!! hahaa.
then i went up to mc to return the card and stayed there till jingle and lim wei close the shop. then went kopi roti sit n talk. sighx. i feel really blessed man. good family, good friends, good life. i should really count my blessings. and i really erm.. just love my life to the max la. the people in my life. hahaa.
having conference chat with yen, lijia, jeremy, jen wen and jieling now. hahaaaa. i miss fairfieldddddddddd!!!!! hahaa. they are MAD!!!!! they are crappy sia. crappy until i bth them. laugh until i'm coughing. hahaaa.. but i'm sooooooooooooo ultra happppppppyyy~!! lolx. hahaaaa. and we're planning to celebrate mine and yenping's bday!! haha. i miss them. i really do. lolx. suddenly i cant wait for 2e class chalet? lolx. i'm mad lolx. but hey, we've been having class chalet for 5 years every year since sec 2 ok!! its become a tradition. i wonder when it'll stop? lolx. when we're 50? hahaa. no idea. hahaaa. i wished i could blogged down the conversation, but its gonna be so long. trust me its so funny that you'll probably laugh till u fall off ur chair. hahaaa. omg. its madness on msn. but i like. lolx. sighx i'm mad le. lolx.
so many people in my life, but i think fairsians are still the people i'll grow old with. hahaaa. =)
oh yeah, tomorrow's good friday. i'll probably go church and really reflect too. nites~
.ruffles off.
22.3.05
hm.. dont think i'll stop blogging so soon la.. can't bear to get rid of this blog.
yeah. its the holidays right now. not exactly boring, but wasn't interesting either. went bugis with florence a few days back. haha.. it was fun.........!!!! went shopping... she spends $$$ like water. gosh. but that's because she's earning big bucks from teaching piano laa....... hm.. makes me wanna consider teaching piano if i cant find a job. lolx. oh yeah.. i registered as a piano teacher in MC. waiting for them to give me students. sigh. hm.. then we went back to westmall to catch boogeyman. no comments, its quite a nice show to me, but alot of pple said it sucked. so.......????? lolx..
well anyways, its been a boring week. went out with my parents to suntec yesterday for the food fair. quite boring also. lolx. then went to look for my dad's friend at some restaurent. Just Noodles. the food there is really cheap. reaaaaaaalllllllyyyyy cheap. cheap until i think they should increase the price. and the food there is really nice. my dad's friend is the head chef there... he's a super good cook la. quite a funny man. lolxxxxx.. sat there and they chatted about alot of stuffs. hahaaa.. i think my parents are funny pple. lolx. seriously i think my blurness is in the genes. my cousins are blurqweens too. lolx.
sigh. all i've been doing at home is entertaining myself between the computer and the piano. my fingers are more agile than ever. and my mom is starting to complain that i should play less piano because i'm very noisy. AAARRRRGG. she never did complain before ok. maybe because everytime she wanna watch tv i wanna play the piano. hahaaaa. bad timing. lolx. sigh. but really, all i do these few days is piano computer piano computer. sigh.
ok... i've gotta rush for tkd already. i havent been going for training for like 2 mths already!??!!? heheeee... oh no. =)
----------------------------
hahaaa.. i feel kinda stupid blogging twice in a day. but i seriously cant get to sleep, so here i am, online again, since i cant play my piano at this hour. sigh, today's training was quite...... normal la. i dont know if i can stay in there for long man. really not my type lolx. i was actually asking myself why in the world did i join tkd in the first place halfway during the training when i was watching some people train. really feel like quitting man. but i hate to join something halfway and then stop. i would loveeeeeee to reach black belt tho. hahaaa.. dreaming..... but this kinda dream can be real if i persevere, but i'm not sure if i'll be happy. but i know IF i do somewhat attain something in the future, it would be something i never will regret, just like my piano. a decade of torture, now enjoying myself like dunno wad. sigh. i really dont know. we'll see. my interest is dying out..... near zero. lolx.
my goodness, theres this lizard screeching away since yesterday. damn irritating. i cant believe such a tiny thing can make such loud noises. i hope it wont find its way into my room. hahaa.
actually a few days back i dreamt of blen. dreamt that he recovered, came out of the coma and erm... duh everyone was on cloud nine. and yeah, was just so...... hm............. happy. yeah. but my friend called me and i woke up. gosh. if only the dream was real huh. but dreams wont be called dreams if they were real. but well some dreams can be real. but only realistic dreams can be real. lolxxx. sigh.
i have quite alot of things to do this week actually. lolx. supposed to go swimming with my polymates tomorrow. but they're gonna swim like at 12 plus in the afternoon?!?! gonna be so SCORCHING HOT lor!!! plus i bet i'll be suffering from muscle aches tomorrow because of today's training. haha. not like today's training was a killer but blame myself for i havent been exercising for a long time and i can feel my back aching already. hahaaa.
supposed to go jogging with david tomorrow too!!!! hai, dont think can make it la. either i go jogging with him in the evening or i go swim with jy they all in the afternoon. hm........??? what should i do? sighx. lolx. probably i might end up not doing anything. haha. but tt would be wasting a day again. sighx.
those peeps also wanted to go marina for steam boat this thurs, but postponed it to next friday??? hm.... great. give me time to stay home with my dad. hahaaa.
going JB with kl they all on sat. hm... feels weird. lolx.
and i'll most probably be going to swim with qian on sun. hahaaa. swimming week huh. everyone is swimming these days. and yeah, i wish to get tanner. not very tan tho. just ABIT tanner will do. hahaaa. but swimming after 6pm wont give me a tan tho. lolx.
but in the midst of everything. i'm pretty moodless for anything. or is it pure laziness??? but i'm dying to add some spice in my boring life. and at this point, catching up with old pals seem like the best thing to do. haha.
ok..... this post is soooooooo long. i wonder who will read. haha.
.ruffles off.
18.3.05
hm... its the holidays again now that exams are over. but i wonder if i can do well enough not to take accounts sup paper. or any sup papers. sigh. anything is possible man. or maybe i might retake all? CHOY. no way. if thats the case i can really go die. i did study ok. but....i guess it wasnt enough. i was just forcing myself to study so badly. sometimes i can just stare at my notes and stone without realising it. and when i realise i'm not studying, i had already wasted a good deal of time. damn. sigh.
ok whatever. its over. from the 2nd day of ivp till yesterday, everything happened so quickly. i dont even have time to chill before i prepare for the damn exams. sigh. its been 22 days. 22 days since i received the call from tracy. 13 days of mental and emotional torture for all and plus physical torture for his family and tock n co. 1 week since he left. 1 week of exams just ended like that. 22 days. the worst 22 days in my entire life i think. sigh.
OK WHATEVER. everything is really over. i should get a grip huh. i havent contacted tracy and kim since sunday after the wake. i dont even know if tracy wants me to contact her anot. it seems like she dont even care anymore. ok whatever.
me and qian are closer than ever. man. i feel like qtmk is breaking apart. yeah. the gap between us is increasing so much. so much that i'm quite upset actually. ok whatever.
whatever. its time for me to relax. i'm exploding already. and blogging seems to be quite a stupid thing to do. but i'm still doing it. perharps i might just stop blogging soon.
.ruffles off.
16.3.05
3 down. 1 more to go.
hopefully i can get this sem's modules over and done with soon. accounts was pretty screwed today. sigh. econs was alright compared to accounts. and i thought econs was bad enough. sigh. at least econs wasnt so bad till i thought i might need to take the sup paper. sigh.. i think if i ever needed to take any sup paper, it'll be accounts???? aaarrgg. this is so frustrating.
last paper is on thursday. statistics. sigh. i'm not very worried about stats tho. but i need to clear some big big doubts. i have problems differentiating which question uses what tests. haha. i will figure that out before the exam. hmm... duh. well i have the entire day to figure that out and memorise the formats tomorrow.
sigh. i have been stuffing informations, facts, theories and all those into my head for the past few days. sigh. and i can't remember what i have memorised for the last 3 exams. my brain thirst for no other thing other than stats right now. sigh. just 2 more days. or else i'm gonna collaspe from fatigue soon because i havent been able to rest well recently. and i will sleep better when exams end. hopefully when it does ends, it'll be the end of my stress period for now because i havent felt any stress-ier than whatever has happened or whatever is happening. hm.. whatever. just end quickly. i need a break. and i really do need it.
life.............. i take it one step at a time.
.ruffles off.
13.3.05
i can't sleep for goodness sake. i still feel pretty energized actually. i dont mind taking a walk right now with my dog at the park opp my house. haha, that's madness. i dont think pappy has the mood for a walk at this hour either. but if i want to, i can drag her out. haha. but i'm not mad yet. lolx. still sane. saner than before. saner than ever. enlightment numbed me.
woke up pretty late today, which i think is why i cant sleep right now la. then i auto switched on the computer, went to read blogs.......read blen's blog, went to friendster.... looked at blen's profile. sigh. i dont think i'm gonna delete his msn, friendster or even hp number. not anytime soon. i really se bu de. not that i havent accepted the beautiful fact that he's happier than ever in heaven with God, and i've already moved on in life. i've accepted that he's not on earth anymore, and i'm happy with whatever memory i have of him. i'm happy that he came into my life, and i hoped he did have fun with QTMK. but its just that, to really let the facts sink deep takes time. to accept is one thing, and to feel is another.
ok nvm, it probably doesnt make sense. but all these changed my perceptions of life. my attitude towards people, things and situations is a little different from before. coz i see things differently right now. yeah. and i love my friends and everything i have right now even more than ever. and i've become more tolerant of others, more sympathetic, and the best thing is i dont get irritated as easily. haha. talk about changes... i wonder if all these will wear off? lolx.
anyways, after surfing through the net, i went to study. and i studied till 11pm today. haha. of course i took breaks in between la. kinda proud of myself. tsk tsk, its rare that i'm so hardworking ok. but my hand hurts from writing so much. i complied my own econ notes writing it. maybe i should have used the computer huh. but there were graphs and everything. sigh. nvm. i'm think i'll bring the notes to the wake in case i have the chance to study there. sigh. as much as i'm not in the mood to study, i dont have the courage to jeopardize my grades. and i think tomorrow is gonna be quite an emotional day. sigh. it'll be a miracle if i dont cry later at the wake. but i'm more concerned for a few other people. nvm, i just have to prepare more tissue in case.
was chatting with.... a lot of people just now. and i felt so erm..... relieved. having communicated with less than 5 people the entire afternoon, including my parents, i was so dying for a good chat to destress after studying at night. sigh. then chatted with qian over the phone for a while. sigh. we both understand how each other feels man. and we also realised that we've changed. haha.
ok, my eyes are feeling heavy already. and i think its really time i should go and sleep. if my mom finds out i'm not sleeping yet, haha.. then wish me all the best. lolx.
.ruffles off.
12.3.05
"he passed away" was what tracy sent to me at 05:58:51AM. then i replied and asked her if she was okay. she didnt reply. strangely, i felt nothing. probably it was due to the fact that i was groggy. but i guess, it was something we had expected at the back of our minds in the midst of all the hopes that we have for a full recovery. i stoned for a while in my bed. i wasnt thinking about anything. just simply stoned. then i smsed junxiong a while later. i asked him if blen had passed away. then at 06:59:32AM junxiong replied, "yes.he has left us for heaven. we love him." Somebody must have prayed for God to take away all the sadness and pain in our hearts. Coz strangely, everybody was calmer than i thought.
Then i woke up. i didnt tear, i didnt cry. my mind was blank. i didnt feel anything, neither was i thinking of anything. all i did was to do the usual stuffs that i do and got ready for school, for my exam.
Reality dawned upon me on the way to school in the train. I watched the people bustle around me. i read the smses again. then i felt the pang in my heart. but i knew i couldnt let anything affect me yet before i took the paper. so i cleared my mind of everything, emotions and all, and just went about revising the notes.
reached school, was a little late for exam. sat down, looked at paper and started writing. thank God the paper was easy. i daresay the paper was a breeze. but then again my mind was pretty void of emotions, so how was i able to worry? then finally at the last question. i asked the teacher how long more do we have. gosh, i still had like 40 mins left?? i took a break. then i couldnt take it anymore. blenheim slipped his way into my mind. thank God it was the last question. i teared as i did the question. i think i must have looked like an idoit. the person beside me was staring at me. i couldnt care less. i finished the paper, flipped to the front, wrote my name, admin no., modules and all... then i came to 'date of submission' part. 11/03/05. the date my friend passed away. i teared as i wrote the date. suddenly everything felt really... real.
i walked out of the exam hall, feeling rather lost actually. then i unlocked my phone. saw qianhui's sms, "At 5.05am, my beloved son Blenheim Tan Rikai went back peacefully to Jesus. Wake at.....". somebody must have forwarded the sms to her from blen's dad. Reality then slapped me hard right in the face.
then it was all emotional.
everything happened quickly. the next thing i can remember is kailing bringing me to sembawang beach. the peace, the calmness, the sea, the sand, the sunlight, the rays, the birds, the ants, the insects, the rustle of leaves in the wind...
i thought things through. i said them aloud. shared them with kailing. then i realised i've learnt more things that i thought. changes around me and within me. its still hard to believe that someone just left so abruptly.
sigh, life is unpredicatable. time is what everyone needs to let the pain in our hearts fade. it'll take longer for some i supposed. but no matter how long it takes, i hope one day, we will not tear anymore while thinking of him and fall upon the memories he gave. God will make a way.
i drew the picture below on the beach today, coz yea.. i missed him. he left for heaven in peace. even his nickname on msn is happy...'=)woohoo'.
went home. went to his wake in the evening. tracy and kim was there too. well, the atmosphere was lighter than what i expected. but i could see everyone was tired. just plain tired. drained physically, mentally and emotionally.
peace is the word.
love is what fills the air. love from his parents, from his friends.
memories is what we all fall upon.
i can't describe further. no word allows me to anyway.
all i can do now, is to dedicate this entry to him, my friend, our friend... blenheim tan rikai. fondly remembered as kai kai...
.ruffles off.
10.3.05
life is tilted upside down right now. the only song i dare to listen to is God will make a way by Don Moen. i can depend on nothing else except for God to guide and take control. this song is a constant reminder that i'm not alone. it makes me feel much better.
sometimes i feel really desperate and helpless. but as long as i know, that God is never leaving me, nothing can bring me down.
i'll be starting my exams tomorrow. marketing. one more week and it'll end. hope i can concentrate huh.
my dad was offered a job opportunity in korea. sigh. he's deciding if he should go or stay. if he decides to go for it, he would most likely be flying over in a month's time? sigh. i dont know man. he asked if i want him to go. i said yes. i said its up to him to decide. he said he fang bu xia me. sigh. i told him i'm gonna be 18 in a month's time. and he said i'm still not matured enough yet. -.- hello?? how matured does he want me to be? as long as i'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, that should be fine already. am i? i think so. think so. yea.. think so. ok whatever. i can't be his little girl forever. there has to be someday i'll have to take care of myself. i have God to take care of me. so what is he worrying about? ok, dont get me wrong. not that i'm dying for him to go, but if its really an opportunity, just go. i'll get by. i wont die. there will be lots of people taking care of me. but of course, not as xi xin as himself la. sigh. i dont know la. its up to him and God to decide. i dont know la. i've told him what i think. its up to him now. i dont wanna know what's his decision either. actually i'm dying to know his decision. but i dont wanna know either. heh? ok nvm. not up to me to decide anyway. so he might or might not go. still in the process of deciding. but i got a feeling he might reject this offer. HAIYA. I DUNNO LA.
blenheim's condition is still rather critical. but he's fighting real hard. he's never giving up. i really really pei fu his will to live. blen, pls dont give up ok? you've come this far, everyone has been going through everything with you till this far. you're winning the battle. his oxgygen level keeps flucuating. last night his oxygen level dropped citically and he had bruises on his fingers already. but he still came through. God never fails. pls everyone, keep praying. i'm praying hard myself too. pray for his family too, pray for his friends, they're there 24/7 for him. No matter what happens, God has a plan. sometimes it baffles me too. but i'm really too weary to try to understand what is his plan. i guess not everything can be understood coz not everything is meant to be understood.
i really need to go study already, but i really no mood. i just feel like stoning. was waiting for junxiong to update me abt blen's condition last night, but i fell asleep while waiting. then finally received his sms in the morning at 8:30. sigh, i guess they had a pretty rough night. i wonder how is tracy coping. hai. qian is going over to the hospital to visit blen already. sigh, i very much want to go with her, but i need to study first. sigh. argg.
i have a new fav piano piece. its called I believe. its quite a popular song i guess. its from the movie, my sassy girl. i havent watch that show YET. i know it screened like thousand years ago. but everyone who watched it loved it. sigh.
.ruffles off.
8.3.05
all the shits come at once.
i wonder if i can hold on till everything blows over.
its not just about blen.
people's attitude.
people around me. some.
my exam.
about controlling myself. kept telling myself to be understanding and sympathetic.
i wonder when it will hit my limits?
i've got only a limited strength left to keep myself in control.
but so much more is expected out of me.
some people are giving some SICKENING attiude.
i pity some people.
nevermind about that. i keep my temper in check. i've learnt to be sympathetic. coz i dont wanna regret later.
sickening exams are here.
nevermind about that. its life in singapore.
trying to keep everything in control and in place is so not easy.
especially when theres so much that needs to be understood at this moment.
my friends. i cant look to them for support anymore because they are also feeling equally shitty. i dont need to add fuel to their already stressed up life.
i dont need more shits myself either. i'm controlling alot already.
theres some things i try to do. but some people aint helping.
dont forget. my life has always been blissfull. till recently. dont go overboard.
give me time to learn at least.
i'm not in the mood to take nonsense.
i feel at lost too you know. dont make me feel even more lost can?
i'm human. i feel fear too.
but i try to keep myself in check.
i'm giving whatever i can. i'm doing my best already. i really am.
theres this someone whom my heart really goes out to. i'm doing my best to help. but i really dont know what to do either.
sigh.
whatever la.
.ruffles off.
6.3.05
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His word will still remain
He will do something new today.
i've been playing this song on my computer the entire day while forcing myself to study, so i decided to blog the lyrics down. =)
.ruffles off.
5.3.05
GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!! blen is NOT brain dead!!!! his blood pressure is back to normal and the doctors are giving him 1 to 2 weeks to stablelize his condition. this is a miracle!!!!! we were on the verge of losing him yesterday but now he's coming back!!! all of us are just so so so so so on cloud nine and extremely proud of you blenheim!!!!!!!!!!!!! we really are. praise the lord!!!!!! blen, i havent seen anyone smile for such a long time. blen, you really did make everyone's day today. we're just so proud. i am so proud of you too!!!!!!!! since blen is NOT brain dead, he hears us. so we'll keep talking to him and keep praying for him. blenheim, i'm sure you heard all of us. please stay strong, keep on fighting. we said we'll be waiting, we'll be here for you, and we will. we'll keep praying. let God guide you through.
although blen is still in a coma and not stable yet. he may not in the best condition. BUT the fact that he's now on the road to recovery is a miracle already. please keep praying for him. we're all praying hard. through all these, i feel myself drawing closer to God again. i will try NOT to lose my faith again, because i can't. i'll stay close to God.
haha... i'm really so happy. everyone is. lolx. the mood in the hospital today is very light. NOT AT ALL tense. its a relaxing change for once. although everyone is tired and shagged, the joy and happiness radiated from everybody is like.. whoa.. nothing beats just knowing that God and blen created a miracle again. our hopes are rising.
haha.. i'm pretty tired on my own. all i do now is try to study, keep myself updated with blen's condition.. getting in touch with everyone. its just fairsians for now. haha.. i'm really sleepy already. didn't really get to sleep, plus all the crying and everything. my eyes look funny already. everyone is shagged. so please have a good rest...... keep praying..... keep hoping... keep believing. =)
oh.. please stop the stupid sms-es and whatever news that blen has passed away. he HASN'T and WILL NOT!!
.ruffles off.
blenheim. you left us alot of memories. good and bad ones. but they're the ones we will always remember. you're not here with us physically, but you're always here with us in our hearts and in our minds. dont worry about your family and tracy. your buddies are there for your family. they're in great hands. so is tracy. we'll take care of her, like you always remind us to. though your life is short, but you lived a life of great glory that everyone is proud of. simply proud of you. i'm sure you heard and saw everyone who was there for you. praying and waiting. blen. just for you. your family, your buddies, your classmates, both poly and fmss, your friends and qtmk. yea, it is painful letting God take you, but we all know he has plans. isnt it great now that you can talk to Him? and ask him all the questions that you can't get on earth. and just be with the Lord?
blen, yea we will really miss you. tho every thought of you makes us cry, but that's because its not easy letting you go? but we have to try, because we have to move on, because you moved on too. but it doesnt mean that we forget you. we will never forget you. we can never forget you. it simply means that we accept that we dont see you around with our eyes anymore, but just with our hearts and minds. yes, it hurts. but we will smile one day when we think of you like what jun xiong said. it is you that have made us grow stronger among ourselves and within us. be happy for us in heaven ok? thanks blenheim for coming into our lives. thanks for the short memories. i'm proud of everything that you've done, for somebody, and your friends. we remember your smile, your sleepy eyes, and just you. blenheim. blen. kai.
although everyone may seem to be letting go, but as long as you're still breathing, even though you're on life support. we will not let go completely. not yet. not until theres no more for us to hope on. we'll still keep praying for you to return.
.ruffles off.
3.3.05
miracles do happen. read from tracy's blog that blen is recovering..tho slowly. but its really a good thing. blen jia you!!!!! keep on fighting!!!! just keep fighting. we'll keep praying. hope everything will continue to look good. i feel like he's already back!!!! everything's just so good. the Lord is good. his grace is just so amazing. blenheim will be fine. its just a matter of time i guess?? =)
having chats with peeps back in fmss feels great. they know me best la. and just really know me. hahaa. i really am who i am with them. feels totally great. chatting with lijia, jenwen and jeremy now. they still the same. lolx. really miss them lots man. discussing to visit blen. yea.. they're also standing by blen.
you know just hearing them calling me 'med' and hearing others call me 'med' is really different man. haha. dont ask me how different. just a different feeling. lolx.
maybe memories bah. bring me back to those days in fmss. yea. can say, going to fmss is the best thing that ever happened to me. yea.. sorry.. getting sentimental again. but sure alot of pple agree with me. hehex.
fairsians are the best peeps, or people, i can ever come across in my entire life. =)
agree?? yea.. i know everyone does. =)
.ruffles off.
2.3.05
project.exams.family.friends.blenheim.
exhausted.
everyone is worried sick for blen. with so many people praying, hoping, wishing blen well, i really hope he will wake soon. he'll be fine soon. be back to who he was. miracles do happen. it does. just wanna see the old blen again. so many things left undone. he will wake and finish them. i hope we'll have the old blen back soon. i really do. he is online, but his status is away. he will come back on again right? yea, he will. we are still hoping, praying.
screwed effective writing ICA3. its driving me crazy. analysis.report.format.banyan.whatevershittyinfo.
oh, i'm really blurred now. damn sleepy too. and its due tomorrow. got everything saved in a diskette. hope nothing goes wrong tomorrow, or i'll really go crazy.
exams are near. aaaaaahhhhh. really blur like hell with so many things to remember. esp stats. wonder how would i score for IT applications. aaaaaaarggggg. lucky i'm not taking IT.
my parents have been nagging me ALOT recently. about everything. sleeping late, not calling home, they still suspect i have a bf, worrying i will get sick and keep calling me for nothing and i get real irritated. aaahhh. gimme a break.
friends. i'm worried for tracy. been neglecting alot of people. ah crap. i will try to catch up with them once exams are over. hopefully. and i give up on certain people. oh whatever. wait till exams are over. hopefully blen will be fine by then? i dont know man.
sigh, trying to balance everything is so difficult. i really miss qtk's company. blen, please be fine soon. please keep fighting.
i really wish everything will really turn out fine in the end.
hope nothing else happens. its enough on hand man.
.ruffles off.